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Leacock, Stephen, 1869-1944

"Frenzied Fiction"


The principal one, I think, is the question of the season.
It appears that the right time to begin gardening is last
year. For many things it is well to begin the year before
last. For good results one must begin even sooner. Here,
for example, are the directions, as I interpret them,
for growing asparagus. Having secured a suitable piece
of ground, preferably a deep friable loam rich in nitrogen,
go out three years ago and plough or dig deeply. Remain
a year inactive, thinking. Two years ago pulverize the
soil thoroughly. Wait a year. As soon as last year comes
set out the young shoots. Then spend a quiet winter doing
nothing. The asparagus will then be ready to work at
_this_ year.
This is the rock on which we were wrecked. Few of us were
men of sufficient means to spend several years in quiet
thought waiting to begin gardening. Yet that is, it seems,
the only way to begin. Asparagus demands a preparation
of four years. To fit oneself to grow strawberries requires
three years. Even for such humble things as peas, beans,
and lettuce the instructions inevitably read, "plough
the soil deeply in the preceeding autumn." This sets up
a dilemma. _Which_ is the preceeding autumn? If a man
begins gardening in the spring he is too late for last
autumn and too early for this.


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